He plans the songs for our worship service every week. It is very, very rare for me to ever request a song because I want my husband’s ministry to be guided by the Holy Spirit…and as chatty as I typically am, I try not to interrupt the Holy Spirit, you know. It means so much to me to worship each week, knowing that my fellow church members and I are singing songs that God placed on his heart. Still, the week before we left for Haiti, I had made a special request.
That Sunday morning, I stood in the choir loft, my hair fixed in what I had started calling my “Haiti hair-do,” with my hands in the pockets of my denim jacket as I tried to calm the shaking. I closed my eyes and tried to surrender the fear of the unknown. I would board a plane to Haiti today. We sang the song that I knew my heart desperately needed to speak, “Lord, I Need You.”
Lord, I come, I confess.
Bowing here, I find my rest.
Without You, I fall apart.
You’re the One that guides my heart.
Lord, I need You. Oh, I need You.
Every hour, I need You.
My one defense, my righteousness,
Oh God, how I need You.
I knew Jesus was guiding my heart. That morning was the beginning of knowing the peace that covered my fears. I prayed continually and before I knew it, we had landed in Haiti.
Packed in my suitcase was a little floral journal that read, “Whatever is lovely…think about such things. ~Phillipians 4:8
I began my journal that very first night in the little room that I shared with three other women. As I sat on the bed to write, my mind was filled with questions about all that I had seen first-hand in that first day, touring the nearby areas of Haiti. I began scribbling my words with a black ink pen, pouring my every thought into the pages of my journal. The journal entry, from that day ends with these words.
Monday, June 2, 2014
Dear God, I believe you brought me here for a purpose and that you will work in me and/or through me this week. I’m depending on you alone to strengthen me. Lord, I need You. Oh, I need You. Every hour, I need you. You’re my one defense, my righteousness. Oh God, how I need You. So teach my song to rise to you when temptation comes my way and when I cannot stand, I’ll fall on you. Jesus, you’re my hope and stay. (And then I drew a heart…I cannot explain this doodle. I suppose I was feeling the heart.)
Please, Lord, at the end of this emotional roller coaster day, please be my Comforter, my best friend, my Creator of unconditional love, and my refuge. I need you. (Insert another doodled heart.)
Love,
~Courtney
I woke the next morning at 4:16 a.m. (according to my journal…because apparently I checked the time on my phone and then journaled it before breakfast. I cannot explain this either) when the roosters began crowing. Roosters rise and shine plenty early in Haiti. Our fans were off because we had lost power at some point in the night. I turned on my battery-operated fan when a bell rang outside. My aunt, whom I was bunking with, told us it was simply time for the men in town to return to fields. (She had been to Haiti once before, so this wasn’t her first rodeo.) I was thankful for her wisdom because I am pretty certain that I would die if wake-up time in Haiti was 4:16a.m.
That Tuesday morning began at 6:30 without power, drinking water (our jug was empty), lights, or toilet paper. I suppose it hadn’t occurred to us to restock on anything before we went to sleep and power outages, I would soon learn, were daily occurrences. We were quickly restocked in the necessary supplies and headed to breakfast. The morning continued with the construction of benches for a local school. I worked with two other girls on my team to stain the wood all morning. We had only been working a short time when we met three Haitian teenagers, a boy and two girls. The boy told us that he did jobs around the compound. My fellow team members, Mallory and Stephanie laughed and told him that I spoke “some” Creole. (They were kidding. “Some” Creole meant that I had installed an app on my phone, prior to the trip to practice French, which is not only the origin of Haitian Creole, but is also a secondary language for many Haitians and the primary language for others.) In other words, I had no idea how to speak Creole…but knew enough to be dangerous. I cautiously threw some words around, sometimes getting a response that seemed to suggest that I had said something correctly…and sometimes, not so much. The boy spoke “some” English, so we were able to communicate to some extent. As we worked, I asked him how to say several phrases that I could foresee as necessities to my Creole vocabulary for the week.
The conversation was something like this, “How do I say, ‘Do you love Jesus?'” I had asked him.
“Eske ou renmen Jezi?” he replied. I would repeat it back. He would shake his head to say “no.” I would try again…he would look confused and repeat himself patiently. I would repeat it back. Third time was a charm! This continued with a great many phrases. I learned that I could say “You’re welcome,” if I could only remember that the word rhymed with “taco,”…sort of. My favorite word of the week was also learned that morning. The word for “friend,” would be “Zanmi” which rhymed with, “Homie.” Clearly, that made singing, “Rolling with my zanmis,” an irresistible theme song for the many trips we would take, riding as a team on the back of the cattle truck. It was just too perfect.
The vocabulary lesson continued with our new friends, as we stained board after board. It wasn’t long before he asked us if we liked to sing. I enthusiastically shared about my love for worship music and told him that my husband is a “singing pastor`.” As he laughed, I suddenly felt compelled to say, “Um…that’s a real job in our country.” At some point in this conversation, we decided to sing while we worked. We discussed favorite songs and I learned that Justin Bieber is highly popular with Haitian teens.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Then came the question from Weeshaw, “Do you know the song ‘Lord, I Need You?'” Excitedly I said, (maybe yelled), “Wi! It’s my favorite! I love that song, Weeshaw!” So, we stained and painted. Thank you, Lord for loving me so much that you comfort me by songs that are not coincidences, but are shared for the purpose of your plan. We are riding the Tap-taps today (slightly adventurous) and the MOTOs (I think that even the men are scared.) I am more afraid than ever. I need you, Lord. I had planned to never ride a motorcycle for as long as I lived. I am afraid, but we have to get to the hospital to deliver the soap, washcloths, and the New Testaments and books of Matthew (Matye) tracks. I will do this for my Savior, but I would do it for no other purpose. “When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the rock that is higher than I.”
(And then I drew a squiggle to separate entries from that day.)
We’re back! We rode the Tap-tap to the Motos and took the Motos to the hospital. Caroline, the young tutor of the Snider children, rode behind me and said encouraging things the entire way: “Isn’t the breeze nice?” “Think of what a good story you will have to share!” {I think that is what I am doing right now, Caroline.} She even said, “I’m so glad we were partners for this!” That was especially gracious of her. We visited the hospital where we sat outside and sang. I was specifically excited that we sang, “Lord, I Need You,” again. We walked from there to Hanger, a clinic that makes Prosthetics and treats people who need them. We were given a tour and then we sang outside. Betty asked me to sing with the band from Bowling Green Baptist. We sang, “We Won’t Be Shaken.” Next, Betty asked me what songs I’ve had solos in and I named the most contemporary ones. The band told me to begin, “You are God Alone,” and they joined in, playing by ear! They are such talented teenagers!!! They have a cello, 2 guitars, and a Djembe drum. After that, we loaded up on the Motos but when the driver began saying, “Pro`blem,” Caroline and I jumped off. We rode back on a different Moto later and Caroline taught me to say, “dousman!!!” which means, “slow,” so that was helpful! God provided the transportation, and it was very adventurous!
It is pouring down rain now. I tried to get signal to text home, but it didn’t work out. I decided to try the patio outside our room for signal. Givens was standing on the patio singing, “Lord, I Need You.” …is that their favorite song???…so I joined in after he motioned toward me to sing along. We were praising! Mallory sat on the porch with us. We also sang, “Give Me Jesus.”
We finished the evening with a group devotion, followed by large group worship in the chapel with the other team. They play by ear and sing very new music! We had a song sheet of 18 songs and sang a few. I love when the Haitian friends sing in Creole. Some songs they only know in English! Haha!
Friends, this continued throughout the entire trip. The song that God had laid on my heart, the one I had specially requested to sing, was waiting for me in Haiti when I arrived. According to my journal entries, we sang the song again on Wednesday, at an impromptu concert at the ocean. My journal entry Thursday begins with the words: First of all, “Lord, I Need You,” is apparently their favorite song! The good news is that I can sing it now in Creole if I hold the word sheet. My journal mentions singing the song again at the school for the children on Thursday, but it is the journal entry at the end of Friday that really speaks to my heart to read 9 months later.
Friday, June 6, 2014
I have never been so thankful to be a scaredy cat because every single day, I have had to surrender my fears and have deeply depended on God to carry me. He has shown me abundant love and convered me with peace. Some team members are brave. I am not brave, but I get to experience the freedom of surrendering my fears at the feet of Jesus. Thank you, God. I have felt so free, so alive, and so comforted by my Comforter. I know what it is to be loved. Something big is going to happen. This is only the beginning, “Where you are, Lord, I am free.”
Saturday evening, during a concert for the Haitians, Givens called me to the stage. Do you know which song we sang? Yep. It was everywhere I went. I sang, “Lord, I Need You,” and my journal entry recalls the moment of feeling embarrassed, but the way God taught my stubborn heart (I was a bit frazzled that night because basically…I was worried about the dark and the Mosquitos.) Before long, I noticed the Haitian choir behind Givens and I stepping side to side as they sang. What’s a girl to do? I stepped from side to side as well, in time with the Haitian choir as the Innovation kids played instruments in front of Givens and I. My journal recalls this moment.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
I almost stubbornly didn’t worship for a few minutes out of embarrassment, but one cannot stand in Haiti and sing, “Lord, I need You, oh, I need You. Every hour, I need You,” in Creole without feeling a deep sense of transformation and surrender. {Or at least, that is my testimony.} I sang. I worshiped and I knew that my heart change was evident to my team members who had watched me check my watch for the past half hour. Where did the comforter lead? To my comfort zone…or the closest thing to “comfort” in Haiti. He led me to worship.
The last day in Haiti was filled with God’s love for me as well. The sermon was on Abraham and Sarah, which is my very favorite Bible passage…and just as any other day in Haiti, we sang, “Lord, I Need You.”
The song was a part of every day in this God-sized adventure. Before we left, my heart was craving the truth in the lyrics. I wanted to be reminded of those words before I boarded a plane. I wanted to stand and sing, “Where you are, Lord, I am free.” Once I was on Haiti soil, however, God provided the song…again and again. It was everywhere I went and I could feel the hand of God carrying me, the still small voice whispering, “I am here. Even here, I am with you always.”
My heart will always hold tightly to the truth that I shared with my team members one night, after a devotion and before our evening game of “favorite things.” I said, “I have never been thankful to be afraid, but I am now because I have experienced the freedom from my fears.” I was truly living out the words of that song. I was learning it first-hand. Where God is, we are free. Free. Free from the bondage of fear. In that week, I was free from the weight of fear I had been carrying my entire life…not because the fear was absent, but because the presence of Jesus Christ was so much greater than my fear.
I have never been thankful to be afraid, but I am now because I have experienced the freedom from my fears.
We need Him. Every hour. It’s a strange thing…the way we turn to Jesus when our normal comforts are stripped away. Sometimes we find that the things or people we usually depend on, as wonderful as they may be, can only do so much to bring us comfort. True peace is only in Jesus. How much time have I spent relying on the lives of other people or turning to them before I turn to Jesus? How often have I felt safe because of the modern-day conveniences and carried on as if I could do it on my own. Our world is poisoned with a lie that causes pride, greed, and even leads to overwhelming despair. So many amongst us believe that they can do this “life thing” on their own. They believe that they have it all wrapped up, under control, planned out, and that their successes? They believe that their successes are all due to their own efforts. No one helped them get what they have. (Wow. That arrogance…that untruth is an entire post for another day.) It’s a lie from the enemy. Sadly, sometimes I buy into that whole bit, too. I can be guilty of believing that lie and carrying on as if my control makes the difference.
Dear friend, please know that Jesus is the only way. The only way to live is to rely on the presence of Jesus Christ, to live from His goodness, to trust His heart, to rest in His provision and grace. We weren’t created to do it on our own. Deep within the heart of each created person is an innate need for Jesus that only He can fill. Don’t believe the lie that you can do this on your own. When we live that way…life can become desperate in the challenging times. Lean on Jesus. Know His love for you.
Where sin runs deep, your grace is more. Where grace is found is where you are. Where you are, Lord I am FREE. Holiness is Christ in me. Lord, I need You. Oh, I need You. Every hour, I need You. My one defense, my righteousness, oh God, how I need You.
Friends, may you rest this weekend in the arms of His mercy. His grace is sufficient for you. My God will meet all your needs.
From my heart to yours,
~Courtney
So teach my song to rise to you, when temptation comes my way. When I cannot stand, I’ll fall on You. Jesus, you’re my hope and stay.
**The song, “Lord, I Need You” by Matt Maher has been woven throughout this story. If you have never heard it, I hope you will check it out and be blessed by the truth in the beautifully written lyrics.**
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