When Your Inner Missionary Girl is Tired

Hello, sweet friends!  I missed you.  If you have been following my October series: 31 Days of Missional Living for the #Write31Days Challenge, you likely noticed two things last week!  If not, let me catch you up!

#1) I did not write a single word for the past six days.  Therefore, my October series: 31 Days of Missional Living will in fact not be 31 Days.  How do you feel about 25ish Days of Missional Living?  It has a ring to it, no?  Catchy title for the win!

#2) I’ve waved the white flag in the Write 31 Days Challenge.  I surrender.  There’s a reason they call it a “challenge.”  I feel challenged indeed!  

  
…um…make that 25ish days.

I’ve stated the obvious about what you may have already noticed…but may I share with you the rest of the story?  Here is what you may not know just yet!

Precious friends, circle ’round.  Someone must tell you what I have learned to discern as well as a Monday-morning quarterback.  This lesson?  I’m getting it and I am growing in wisdom though perhaps I’m not as quick to discern as I need to be.  

We must make choices.  We cannot carry it all.  There are times we have to lay something down.

I have treasured every day of this Missional Living series.  I have.  I love the topic!  I am passionate about living missionally!  Truly.  I don’t just love the topic…I live this topic to the best of my ability.  Every day, I make my best effort to live missionally.  I do it imperfectly, make major errors, and come up short…but I strive to live on mission every day of my life. 

Sidenote: I’ve had a few reminders this month that I am an epic failure at loving the way Jesus loves…but we must press on!   We must do our very best to love like Jesus whether we come up short or not.  {…and we will come up short.}

In all of the attempts to live missionally and all of the writing about it?  In all of this striving to be like Jesus despite my sinful human imperfections?   

My inner “missionary girl” got tired. 

Now friends, I am resisting the urge to give you a laundry list of my “good deeds.”  Bless.  Who needs that?!  Yuck.  You won’t get any Pharisee chat here.  I need you to simply trust me when I tell you that I wasn’t being a wimp here.

  I was legitimately doing too many things at once.  I was falling asleep while typing and began experiencing severe chest pain…which is a reoccurring theme in my life and basically means it is time to slow down.  I had to let something go.  I weighed my priorities and commitments.  Something had to give.  In the end, I chose to keep pushing through most of the activities that involved loving people well…and the trade?  I had to take a brief hiatus from writing about the ways we can love people well.  Loving people had to trump documenting the love.  Amen? 

…oh!  And the weekly playgroup I host for moms and preschoolers?  It didn’t meet in my home last week.  We met in the play space at a local fast-food chain.  Keeping it classy, no?  Shout-out to my friend, Rose for always packing Clorox wipes and air freshener!  We leave that playroom a whole lot cleaner than we find it!  We don’t mess around with germs, friends.  We mean business.

Listen, sisters.  Life is busy.  There’s really no need to glorify the busyness.  It’s tragic, really.  At times, we need a “stress detox.”  You have to put on your own oxygen mask so that you can help the person beside you.  God rested to show us our need for rest.  You know this, right?  The God of the universe doesn’t need rest.  He was demonstrating rest for you and for me.  Rest is essential.

God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day.  ~Psalm 46:5

I don’t rest well.  I do stuff.  “Rest” for me often means doing less stuff…no matter how seemingly important the “stuff” may appear to be.  Souls need refueled.  Bodies need breaks from the pressures of life.  The stress detox has to happen in some seasons.  And that is quite alright!
Do you know what happens when I refuse to rest?  Beloved pals, I often become prideful and self-critical when I continue to unecessarily push through the madness.  This is destructive.  This isn’t the way of Jesus.   The pride causes me to sin.  

Pride causes me to point fingers at others and literally say, “Why aren’t YOU helping?” This is a trap and I’ve hurt feelings at times when my thoughts were caught in the trap of the “busy superwoman” mentality. This isn’t what God called us to be. The lack of self-grace I offer myself directly flows into a lack of grace for others. Jesus is full of grace. I cannot love like Jesus while caught in the trap of glorifying busyness. Busy does not equal important. Busy does not equal strong. Tired does not prove us to be “good enough.” Exhaustion, resentment, pride, and busyness? We were created for a more abundant life than this.

There are times when your inner missionary is tired. We have to reevaluate. As a fourth grade teacher, I often taught the economics lesson of “opportunity cost.” May the opportunity cost for seemingly good activities never be the love of other souls. May our lives reflect the heart of our Creator. May grace abound from our lives. May we be able to slow and to step back. May we prioritize all of the wonderful opportunities to truly reflect a spirit of joy. May the quiet find us in a restorative moment or season with the God of peace. May grace flow from our words and actions because we have taken the time to be in His presence.  
Have I completed the Write 31 Days Challenge? No. I didn’t make it to the finish line this year. But is the challenge of Living Missionally a wash? Absolutely not! Missional Living won. It continues! I chose to keep loving. I’ve continued the hosting of friends, the leading of studies, the teaching of the Bible, and the mothering of littles. I’ve spent more time laughing with my husband and more time with Jesus soaking in worship music. The chest pain went away. The half-way written blog post {that published because I fell asleep typing} will be forgotten one day. Sure, it reached a few hundred inboxes but one day…it will be forgotten. One day.  
May I encourage you wherever this post finds you today? Sweet friend, you can let something go. Make choices. Lay something down. I’m not an advocate for irresponsibility by any stretch of the imagination, but seek out the “lesser” commitment. Trade a moment of busyness for a moment of running through the leaves. Read a few pages of a good book. Sip something tasty and fall-ish without worrying about calories. {I personally need to start thinking more about my calorie intake specifically where beverages are involved….but you! You drink that pumpkiny goodness and don’t look back!} Choose the laughter. Choose the singing. Choose the hand holding. Choose the coffee dates. Choose the moments with Jesus. By all means, spend some time at the feet of Jesus.  
Lay it all down. If only for a moment, loosen your grasp on the to-do list and sit it aside. You are known.  You are loved.  You have immeasurable worth and a purpose!   And sweet friend, you need rest now and again.   Be still.

He says, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.” ~Psalm 46:10

From my resting heart to yours,       ~Courtney